


Let Me Log It

by cryptful



Category: Haikyuu!!, ハイパープロジェクション演劇「ハイキュー!!」| Hyper Projection Play "Haikyuu!!" RPF
Genre: Angst, Anime, Cute, Death, Depression, Emotional, Fluff, Kageyama - Freeform, Kenma, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou Friendship, M/M, Oikawa - Freeform, Pain, Video Log, Volleyball, Weebs, Youtuber - Freeform, haikyuu!! - Freeform, netflix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:15:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26591242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryptful/pseuds/cryptful
Summary: It’s simple, really. To video log, you just press record and talk into the mic.That’s what he did, in hopes to mourn his best friend.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 5
Kudos: 23





	Let Me Log It

**Author's Note:**

> This story carries a lot of heavy subjects. 
> 
> These subjects include suicide, self harm, suicidal ideation, eating disorders and death. 
> 
> Please be considerate of these while reading.

“Hey... it’s Kuroo,” His voice was dark, low. There was no happiness to it, no giggle, not hint of sunlight. There was nothing. “So, today is the anniversary. It’s been exactly two years since... _it_ happened.” Two years. Two years of loneliness, the quietness that once was there was now silence. There was _nothing_. “It’s actually quite hard... ‘cause sometimes I wake up and think it was just a dream and for that brief moment... that brief moment of- of... confusion? It’s all better again.” A bitter chuckle. “Y’know, some people laughed at us. How could someone like me hang out with someone like him? That’s the stuff they’d say, i mean... look at me. At _us_. We were different, I- I guess.” Kuroo sniffed. “To the people that laughed at us, at him... I hope you know... the full extent of what was going on behind closed doors.”  
The room was silent for a couple of minutes as he sat there, alone. He was trying to wrap his head around things. To try and make it better. “Back then-“ Kuroo thought of every game they won, every feint he pulled, every high five. It hurt. “We thought we were on top of the fuckin’ world,” Kuroo laughed. “What a fucking joke that was. The funny thing is about it though... if any one of us were to give in to all the shitty words and pressure put on our shoulders, I knew deep down it’d be him. Yet... I was too much of a fuckin’ coward to step up and remind him that he was so fucking worth it and- and look what happened. Kenma, I- I’m so... sorry...” 

Kozume Kenma. The quiet boy with the Nintendo switch who sat down at the back of the class. The quiet boy with the half blonde hair and the pretty eyes that shone in the sunlight, they sparkled like jewels they did. Kuroo smiled softly. “The thing about Kenma is that, even though he never looked like he gave the slightest shit, he really pushed for perfection. He never half-assed practice or the games, he did it at the best of his ability and on the rare occasion... he’d push himself to be better than that. He always, always tried. So when... when the voices of the people around him got quieter and the one inside his head took over,” Kuroo inhaled a shaky breath. He was told that talking into a mic would help, yet all he’s felt was regret and guilt since the first time he opened his mouth. “He just kept... shutting us out and listening to the inner him. We all just thought something had happened outside of school right? So we- we naturally stayed quiet and patient because, it’s Kenma, right? Kenma... the quiet kid, the one who doesn’t talk about his feelings often! We were patient with him... even _I_ was. Kenma was always, always on his toes. He immediately pointed out the shit he did wrong and apologised for it with this- this broken voice that you can’t even imagine... it was painful to hear.”  
Kuroo froze. Tense. He didn’t want to relive that, he never wanted to even think about it and yet it came out without a second chance to think. “As time went on, I saw a pattern. He’d eat some days a week, go home early... but always end up coming home late? He’d run- He’d run away from the voices in his head and with every step he ended up taking... he got worse and worse because they got louder and louder. Kenma was- he got sick and-“ Kuroo slammed his hands down onto the desk. “We didn’t even see it! Not at first. The dramatic weight loss... you could see and count his ribs from just a quick glance, the bags underneath his eyes because he was up all night worrying about something he was too scared to speak up about. You know who I blame? Me. I blame myself. ‘Cause every time someone said something I was stood right next to him! I didn’t start a fight or warn them not to do it again... all I said was for them to shut the fuck up and- and it wasn’t enough! My best friend was dying in front of me... and I watched with cloudy eyes.” 

Kuroo stared at the photo of Kenma on his desk, in the photo he was smiling. Happy. He looked healthy, there were no dark eye bags, no prominent cheekbones. You could look into his eyes and see clearly. There was no internal battle. “When we did notice, we were all openly there for him. We’d walk him home, eat with him, make sure that he knew he had a damn shoulder to fall on when he was too tired to stand.” And he was. After some games, Kenma fell to his knees out of exhaustion, the bruises on his knees got worse day by day because he was too weak to stand but strong enough to keep conscious. “But no matter what we said, what we did... or what I did, or what I said. _Me! Testurō Kuroo!_ He didn’t seem to listen or want the help. There wasn’t much we could do about it, really... when we pushed on, he’d fight us. He’d yell and scream as much as his fragile little throat could take... yelling at us that he was fine and that we should stop worrying. I guess... eventually, the exhaustion took its toll.” Kuroo held his face gently, swallowing down the tears that ached and beg to come up. “I- I don’t want to cry about it... it’s- it’s not something I do and I just... can’t but,” Then he cleared his throat. “During one of our games, against Karasuno. You know them, right? The ones that own that vicious number ten, the king of the court from Kitagawa first too. Granted, once you get to know his majesty, he’s a decent guy, he just needed to grow up. But... during that game, he collapsed on the court. If I close my eyes, it’s like i’m reliving what happened. The whole gym went silent and I could probably explain how my heart dropped so far that I got dizzy. I watched him fall to the floor, then I ran. I ran to him and I picked him up, telling him to hang in there and- and Lev ended up calling the ambulance. They came quick but Kenma was in there for a while, the hospital I mean, seeing him look so fragile and alone locked away inside that disgusting place... it haunts me, and it will haunt me ‘till the end of my days.” He was lay there with an IV in his arm, breathing ever so shallowly. There was no noise, just the heart monitor giving Kuroo the reminder that he wasn’t dreaming. “I personally believe that people don’t know how much words can hurt someone, you don’t ever figure that out until you watch the downfall of someone who you’d die for. First it’s the subtle comments, the subtle doubts of their performance in whatever it is they excel at. Then it’s the cutting shit out, distancing... the self inflicted loneliness that you put yourself into because you think you deserve that. The words they- they eat at your brain, taking away the most important parts of you and replace them with a decoy. A clone. Someone who isn’t you... and you don’t even notice until you open your eyes and see no one there. Everything that’s said about you, your brain magnifies that by ten or ten thousand times, someone laughed at you once? Sure. That one little snicker is the reason why you don’t wear shorts anymore. Do you see where i’m getting at? It doesn’t make sense but god it does. You focus on the negative shit for five minutes and suddenly you’re buried under sand, and every time you think you’ve clawed out... it’s just a deeper cavern. I- That’s what his... said... when I found him that night.” 

Kenma’s favourite time of day used to be dusk, the sun was setting and the wind was warm. The clouds looked painted on by a brush, the sky looked like a beautiful gradient of the warm colours. Pinks, oranges and reds. Kuroo noticed this early on, the way Kenma looked up at the sky, it warmed something in his heart. It was then he realised that the shy kids are in love with something too, in Kenma’s case, it was dusk. “After that, every single thing that was pinned into the ground changed, it came undone. We had no idea what to do... I say ‘we’, this is my story. I’m allowed to be selfish. I had no idea what to do next, who do I text in the morning? Who should I send these sunset pictures to now? Who do i look forward to seeing? Who do i fall in love with? So I quit the team. I walked in the next day and walked back out five minutes after, I couldn’t stand the sight of the gym anymore. For the place that was once my home, a place that gave me so many good feelings... facing it now? It makes me sick. Dizzy. Every time I walk past it, I feel this- this pit in my stomach and it just grows and grows, it never fucking stops and I don’t know what to do about it. Like- what am I even supposed to do? I flunked my classes, I barely even graduated. Everything that was so bright in my life went out in a split second, and I was shoved head first into a darkness I didn’t ever think i’d see... it was so cold. I- I ended up stealing my dad’s alcohol and drinking as much as I could almost daily... it- it was the only thing that helped me feel less numb but eventually even that didn’t work. I got used to it, got used to that shitty buzz cheap whiskey would give me, got used to that shitty substitute that could fill the whole I was left with. It was fucked.” He sighed. “It was July 13th, 2019. The funeral, or wake, or whatever the fucking difference is. I don’t care. That day, Shōyō and I were the first ones to show up... besides from his family. Karasuno’s number ten was known for his spunk, practically known for the smile always plastered onto his face. But that day... there was no smile, or sparkle in his eyes. You could look at that boy and mistake him for someone else, that wasn’t Karasuno’s number ten, that wasn’t the ginger shorty at all. He was a shell, an empty void of... of whatever he’s made of. Kageyama even showed up next to him and not once did he take his eyes off Shōyō, he didn’t smile, he didn’t even cry. None of them did but- God... seeing Shōyō’s reaction to the casket in front of him... I hate it. The shitty thing is, he blamed me. In his eyes, I was the scary lookin’ bitch next to his side twenty four seven... and I didn’t do anything to to help. He even swung for me, I would’ve taken it but Kageyama grabbed his hands before he could even reach me. ‘I hate you... it’s all your fault’ , that was what he said to me. I didn’t say anything back, I agreed with him.” 

He turned around the photo of Kenma, seeing the two of them made him feel sick with guilt. They were friends, yet strangers all at once. “When I walked past the school on the way home, I stopped outside of the gates and Lev ran into me. He was going on about how much he missed me or whatever, then he went on saying they found a new member for the team. Ten minutes into a conversation and I got into the biggest fight of my life, I remember getting so angry at him. How could he just replace Kenma that easily? I didn’t give a shit about my position, I didn’t care less but when it came to him... I threw punches so hard I could’ve broken his jaw, I was yelling such mean things and after it ended... he stood there, he stood there and he smiled at me. At the time, I thought _what a little masochist_ but looking back... he probably needed to get that out as much as I did. I didn’t mean any of it though, I was hurt and I didn’t know what else to do... he pissed me off so I just- I don’t know, I just swung. After that, I heard rumours that he quit afterwards. Not that it’s any of my business, the news just happened to catch my hearing and well now it’s in my knowledge. I don’t care if he quit, that’s not any of my business, I just really fuckin’ hope that he’s not going through the same shit Kenma was. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy. It’s- It’s not fair, to see someone you l- love... fall apart at your fingertips and fall through the gaps before you could even think to grab on. They came for me next, you know. The shitty taunts, the shitty words and feelings. They ate at me, and for the first time... I could truly say that I understand how it felt to be surrounded by so many people and still feel alone. At first came the doubts, the guilt too... everyone looked at me as If I killed him and you know what? If I did, it might’ve hurt a lot less. I’m slowly coming to terms that it isn’t my fault but... every morning I check my phone hoping for a damn text off of him- obviously there isn’t one but... makes you think, right? Was I apart of that voice in his head? Did I do anything that added onto the shit he went through? The funny thing is, i’ll never fucking know. I loved him, I- no... I didn’t, I was in love with him. I was in love with everything he did, the way he looked at me, the way he smiled at pictures of tiny cats. Everything he did... caught my attention and never let go, and now it never well. After coming to that conclusion, I couldn’t even pick up a kitchen knife without trying to shove it into my throat. I wanted to choke on my own blood and die a painful death. I wanted to be with Kenma... I- I wanted him. I wanted his touch, his little fingertip touch against my hand... I miss it more than I can even begin to explain. Even if I wanted to go back to volleyball, I fuckin’ doubt they’d let me on the team looking like this. Scars litter my body, my arms and thighs... the purple one across my neck... I put myself through enough physical pain for the mental one to numb itself out, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t care about anything. I couldn’t let myself, it felt wrong to... especially without him.” 

The two enjoyed everything together, cups of hot chocolate in the winter or pumpkin spiced cookies in the fall. Kuroo could look at a ball and smile, because Kenma was by his side. “After that, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. I was and still am a fucking coward. I haven’t spoken to the guys from high school since it happened, I can’t get the courage to. What the fuck am I even supposed to say? How would I even start talking? I’d be too scared to look them in the eyes again... I feel like they’d all blame me. I don’t care how insensitive I’m being but, frankly, it should’ve been me instead of Kenma. That kid had a fan base, he had friends, he was everyone’s little brother. But me? I’m just a blocker, a captain. A coward. What type of captain was I? I walked out and turned away from my own team. If it was me... then maybe Karasuno’s tiny little number ten wouldn’t have fallen into a down spiral and wrecked whatever chance they had as a school. After Kenma’s... death... something snapped it him and you could see it in his eyes. There was no more shine, there wasn’t even a sparkle. He was numb. Shōyō became aggressive and swore on Kenma’s grave that he’d kill anyone who ever said shit. People used to fear the almighty number ten, not anymore. They fear him. They fear Shōyō Hinata. According to Kageyama, the shorty went around looking for trouble. Kags... if i’m even allowed to call him that, he got me involved. So I met up with the kid and told him that he needs to focus on himself, that instead of falling into the same damn whole Kenma fell into. I doubt I was listened to, judging by the look on his face... he wanted nothing except revenge. Like, yeah... he lost a friend, i’m not that much of an idiot but seeing this kid turn into a criminal because of... I- I didn’t want to see it happen. So I told him that I’d always be one call away, but you know how it is... fate works in the shittest of ways, the one time he called me- I was way too late. All I could do was watch the news as Hinata was pulled away in handcuffs for allegedly stabbing a guy in the stomach. He told the cops that he deserved it, ‘cause the person said something about Kenma or something I- I couldn’t tell you... I never kept up with the story. After that, it was like everything fell apart again. Like... it just happens over and over again! I failed the person I fell in love with because I didn’t say enough of the right things or _do_ any of the right things. Then... Shōyō! I had an opportunity to redeem myself as a person and now he’s locked up in fucking prison. His career? It doesn’t stand a fucking chance if he ever gets out of there. I think I really believed that... I could fix it. That I could wake up one morning and i would have a second chance with Kenma. That maybe when I open my eyes tomorrow, nothing will have changed and he’ll be asleep at the end of my bed with my headset on, sleeping peacefully. I’d give anything for that again, I took it for granted. The stolen glances shouldn’t have been stolen... I- I should’ve grabbed his face and stared at him. I should’ve admired him with him watching. But no... I was too much of a fucking-“ Kuroo realises a tear has fallen down his cheek and aggressively wiped it. “I’ve never been allowed to cry, you see. My parents told me it was childish, that it wasn’t something a man should do. But what am I supposed to do now? Keep it in? I want to let it all out but I’m- I’m scared of what’s gonna happen to me. Pathetic, right? On his birthday last year, I started this shitty... audio diary thing, or whatever the fuck you’ll call it. I started talking about how I felt, how much I missed him... but I never once shed a tear. If i’m being honest, this is probably the longest i’ve ever spoke about how I felt. I feel guilty about it... about opening up. This isn’t me, being emotionally vulnerable... that’s not me at all. Not to anyone but him... and he’s, well- yeah. In the beginning, it was really hard to me to open up- although I was covered in self inflicted wounds, I’d smile up at anyone who would ask if I was okay. I spoke to Kenma about the way I felt, because when he’d ask, there wasn’t a sense of urgency in the need for me to reply. He’d look up at me with those e-endearing eyes and then he’d smile, as if he already knew the answer. Then he’d hug me. He’d already knew the answer... maybe that’s why I trusted him so much. He got me. I got him. We were so close but... so distant. How is it that we were such close friends but so far away? I watched him die, i watched him die in front of me so fucking slowly... and there was nothing I did about it. How... sad. I’m repeating the fact that I blame myself... what else can i do though? talk it out with him?” Kuroo laughed slowly, sniffing again. “Dumbass. It’s not fair! Why do you get to walk out on me?! Damn it... Damn it- Damn it Kenma, I loved you! I loved you so fucking much, idiot!” Kuroo panted, before letting out a frustrated scream whilst hitting the desk again. “Idiot... you still owed me that league lesson, how am I gonna beat you now? I swore to you i’d take that number one spot... I can’t get there without you.” 

The room once again fell silent, there was nothing to fill the sound of emptiness. There was no shy laughter of the boy who’d be sat by the far end of the wall on the bed, there would be no happy exclamations that he had won a game. Kuroo pulled a Nekoma hoodie closer to his chin and inhaled, “I still have your hoodie... Kenma. It... it doesn’t smell like you anymore but- but I keep it clean, I wash it more than my own clothes and I... I hold it, at night-“ Kuroo blushes. “It helps me sleep, you see. ‘Cause I think of that one time, after practice... you were really tired and I- I went to get a drink for you but you fell asleep on my bed. I think about that day much more than you knew about it, I stood in the doorway with a glass of juice and just stared at you. You looked so peaceful, as if there was nothing left in your mind and you were just... happy. I- I’ve never seen you like that before, you looked so safe and I just- I can never get that back. I can look at my bed right now and see you, is it my mind or actually you? I miss you, I miss you so fucking much. If I could say three words to you, I don’t think it would’ve been an ‘I love you’, no... _you are beautiful_. I would’ve chosen them for my three words, because god you were. Your eyes were so easy to get lost into that i’d have to force myself to look away, your skin was so soft and your hair... you let me practice how to braid in your hair and- it was so soft and it smelt so nice that I... I- I’m sorry. Shōyō misses you, you know. Sure, i’m changing the subject but- I think he’s going to realise that what he did... was wrong, even if it was for you, I hope you’re watching over him right now. Knowing you, you’re probably sending cats to his dreams and letting him know that he’ll be okay. His passion for volleyball pissed me off sometimes, his annoying voice could be heard miles off but you became fond of him. So naturally, so did I. He was never a friend, but he was someone I learnt to care about... because of you. You... had such an impact on me that I still haven’t realised half of it yet. Whether you’re watching over me or him, or Lev or maybe even that pretentious bastard Oikawa... I hope you stopped hurting. You didn’t deserve the pain everyone put you through, I’d take it all again and again if it meant you could smile at me one last time. Yeah... I suppose that’s a promise. I don’t care what the fuck the devil sends my way! I’d take everything you went through times by ten if it helped any. I just- I don’t know how to feel. I feel stupid for getting out these shitty feelings into a cheap ass mic, I feel guilty that’s it’s all about me, and I feel weak because I’m too afraid to let myself cry. What type of a person am I? I can’t even cry when it comes to something like this... i should be able to. I should be sobbing my heart out and yet I can’t. Is there something wrong with me?” Kuroo whispered, he wasn’t sure if he was whispering into the mic or to himself. He was silent again for the next ten minutes, fumbling with the hem of Kenma’s hoodie. He felt so alone, lost in a maze of darkness that seemed to have no ending or exit. He was walking down loops of stairs, the ended up in the same corridor. Alone. There was no one to guide him, no one to see him through to the end. It was all empty. Eventually, Kuroo’s phone rang with a number that wasn’t recognised. He answered. “Hello?” 

The other end of the phone was silent for a moment, “Kuroo? It’s Lev... Lev Haiba.” Kuroo almost dropped the phone. “Do you still... live where you used to?” 

“Y-Yeah.” 

“Is it okay... if I come over?” Lev muttered, Kuroo stared at the wall in front of him. The last time the two spoke was a long time ago. It was a couple days after the funeral, after the fight. “You don’t have to say yeah... I just- I figured you could do with company today.” Today. The two year anniversary of Kenma’s death. 

“Yeah... I- Please.” Kuroo could barely push out the words. Lev hummed and hung up, Kuroo dropped the phone to the floor and held the hoodie closer. “Kenma... I need you, come back.” After another moment of silence, Kuroo stopped recording and sat in silence. There was no more static buzzing from the machine, there was no more heavy breathing. It truly was empty. The door was knocked on around fifteen minutes later, Kuroo held the hoodie close and he went to open it. Lev stood there, his eyes were dark and his hair was much longer than it was before. They met eyes for a moment, standing there in silence. “Hi.” 

Lev smiled and walked in, sighing a little. “How’re you feeling?” Kuroo froze for a moment, not knowing what to say. How is it that he didn’t know how he was feeling? “You don’t need to say anything, I just- I wanted to be with you today... you-“ 

“I’ve been recording.” They were both still stood in the hallway, Kuroo was still holding onto Kenma’s hoodie tightly a with sad eyes. 

“Huh? Like... a YouTuber?” Lev tilted his head sideways. “I don’t- I don’t quite understand.” Kuroo motioned for Lev to follow him and he happily obliged. The two were quiet until Kuroo showed him the mic set in his room, which was far from clean. Empty bottles of alcohol were thrown everywhere, unclean clothes thrown into different sized piles on the floor. Lev noticed, but decided to not to say anything. “So like, an audio log?”

Kuroo sat down on the edge of the bed, “Like... I- I didn’t have anyone to talk to so I... spoke into that, I actually just finished recording.” Kuroo was quiet, avoiding eye contact with the person who was now a stranger. After all, the last time they both had a decent conversation was when Kuroo knocked out a tooth. 

“Can I hear?” Lev asked, politely. His voice was soft and melodic, there were no hints of anger or ulterior motives. He was just here to make sure Kuroo stayed safe, after all, if there was a day to go through with a plan, today would be the day. Kuroo nodded and his play on the record, Lev sat down and listened intently. Although embarrassing, perhaps it felt nice to have someone other than himself hear the way he was feeling. The emptiness of the room was a tad bit less empty, Kuroo’s leg started bouncing as the recording finished. The room was quiet, Kuroo assumed that Lev would laugh or get up to leave. Yet none of that happened. “Were you and Kenma... more than just friends?” The dreaded question that Kuroo secretly hoped no one would ask, was asked. The leg bouncing progressed. 

“I- I never got the chance to confirm that... but I- I think I really loved him. Everything he did made my heart race and stomach turn, like before a really important game,” Lev nodded and Kuroo exhaled shakily. “Everything he did made me feel so safe and warm, I never wanted to leave his side.” 

Lev hummed, “He spoke to me about you once.” Kuroo looked up. “He told me that, and I quote, ‘even though I’m shy and bad with words... Kuroo helps me feel things that scare me, but in a good way. I’m not sure what it is, but I never want to let him go.’, and the look on his face, he felt the same way you did.” Lev smiled gently and sat down next to Kuroo, looking into each other’s eyes. Lev pulled Kuroo into a hug. “And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, I promise that.” 

Kuroo’s eyes well up quickly, and his bottom lip quivered. “I- I know I shouldn’t ask you this but... a-am I allowed to cry now?” Lev wrapped his arms around tighter and nodded, Kuroo let a tear fall and his breath hitched at the back of his throat. Then they all fell, Kuroo’s body shook and wailed out as he cried. There was nothing stopping him anymore, all the tears he held in were finally beginning to fall. Deep down, Kuroo knew that somewhere up there, Kenma was smiling down proudly. 

“I’m proud of you, Kuroo.” He knew that Lev was the one talking, but Kenma’s voice was the one being heard. “So, so proud.” _Kenma_.


End file.
